Day Six: Control

God is so good to me, and I do not deserve it. These past few days I have been shocked at how many times I held my tongue and truly thought about the venom that was about to spew from my mouth. What have I to gain by tearing myself or others down? Nothing.

Big nose. Thin hair. Bad skin. Chubby legs.
Just a few of the hurtful things that people in my life have said to me over the years, and I'm sure that all of you could add a million of your own. Some of you know this and some of you may not, but when I was younger I used to cut myself. It is not something I am proud of, but I believe that God has called me to be transparent about it. I've been thinking a lot on what caused me to do it, and I've come to this conclusion: I wanted control. I was tired of other people making me feel things that I didn't want to feel. Being called names, hearing rumors about myself, even just a dirty look shot my way could make me was to crawl into a hole and hide. I didn't want to feel threatened or hurt or sad. I didn't want these people that hated me, for whatever reason, to win. Cutting made me feel like I had control of my emotions. I realize now that I didn't have control over myself, sin did. And for just a little while, I felt strong. But never in my life had I been so weak. By the grace of God I am free from those chains, but sometimes I still feel like that angry girl who just wanted control of her life.

Through this process I am starting to see how much what other people say effects me. But God didn't call me to be what some random person (who is probably even more insecure than me) wants me to be. He has called me to be His child. I want to be what my Father has made me to be. I will be His masterpiece. I may have been born with an insecurity problem, but by God's grace I will not die with it.
"You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them because the One that is is you is greater than who is in the world." John 4:4
-Tara
(P.S. Please continue to pray for me. It is very easy for me to get discouraged when I feel like I have failed. I do not what to give up on this. Thank you!)